How to Go on a Date With Yourself

This is not possible. But hey, if you really want to try to go out on a date to the movies with yourself, then go for it! Here are some steps to help you date you!

 Steps

1. First, make sure you like you. The easiest way to do this is by going through your daily routine and look for things that you like about yourself, maybe it's how pretty

2. Once you are sure you like you, ask you on a date. This may be hard due to the fact that to have a conversation you must have two people. Not to worry though! To say yes to yourself after you ask yourself get a piece of paper and write down "yes"! Remember to think with yourself about where you want to take yourself out. Also remember to get to know yourself's parents well, you want them liking you!

3. Okay, now that you have asked yourself and you have said yes to yourself, plan to meet yourself somewhere outside ahead of time. Let's say you want to go to the movies; then meet yourself outside the theater.

4. All right, you've met up with yourself, so lets get this show on the road. So now walk up to the movie theatre and purchase a ticket. Remember to buy a ticket for you and yourself, to be nice. This will make yourself really like you and think you are sweet! REMEMBER NEVER SNEAK INTO THE MOVIE. This could get you and yourself into a lot of trouble, and if caught it can lead to a life time of drug abuse.

5. Now that you have bought a ticket for you and yourself, go the a food counter. Buy your date some food. I recommend asking you before buying the food so you know what you like.

6. After buying the food, go into the movie, this is when it gets hard. Many of us know the nervousness of a movie date. But just calm down and remember one thing, you love you.

7. After calming down, take a deep breath in and put your arm around your shoulder. This may be hard, but if you are dedicated you can do anything.

8. Know this step is optional: halfway through the movie you may want to fool around with yourself, this may be feeling up yourself, or kissing yourself. STAY AWAY, you don't want to seem to fast. Hold your horses, I know you think you're sexy and all that stuff but calm down.

9. Once the movie ends, walk you out to the car and say good bye. (Don't forget to give yourself a good bye kiss.)

10. Congrats, now you can go on a date with yourself, just remember, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

 Tips

* Remember to get yourself's phone number.

* Don't forget your name.

* Always hold the door for yourself.

* If people stare, they're just jealous.

* No sex on the first date, that can wait.

 Warnings

* If you try this you are probably a loser.

you think you are, or funny. It really doesn't matter because you're still a self-obsessed asshole.

How to Behave in Certain Situations at Restaurants

This is a manual about how to act in some situations in a restaurant. Here you will see what you should or not do and what the consequences will be.

 Steps

1. When you arrive at the restaurant, be sure to be nice with the waiter/waitress that is dressed as a teletubbie or something like that (they usually wear some weird outfit that's supposed to make you laugh, but that doesn't work well all the time). By doing so, you might get some extra food or at least a better service.

2. On your way to the table, be sure to choose well the place you will be sitting, to avoid some bad situations (or someone, like a crying baby who likes to throw food on his father's face as well as on other people´s face around). Try also to avoid getting a sticky table with an unknown yellowish substance on it.

3. If you are in a group of friends, try choosing the place to sit near the most trustful people you know, as it's common your food might disappear from your plate without you noticing it. Or if you have a friend who likes to talk while having food in his mouth. In case you can't get away from the guy who spits, try dodging the possible rice flying off his mouth and read the warning and tips.

4. When ordering the food, be sure to ask for that waiter (or waitress) you were nice to before, you might get a very good service. If it's a different person, don't panic. Act as if their outfit were normal and say everything with a big smile on the face.

5. When your food arrives, try to check if it's all okay. If there's something you dislike, like a meat not enough cooked, ask the person serving you to have it cooked a bit more, but never sound like you are blaming him or the meat might end as a piece of coal.

6. If you have a friend who talks while having food on his mouth, try to dodge the pieces of rice or whatever he is spitting. If that don't work you should try to make him turn his head to another person that is on the other side of the table (but tell people to cover the food first, as it might be annoying to eat someone else's half ate rice).

7. Sooner or later the time to pay the bill will come, and sometimes it might happen that you forgot your wallet. In that case you can always try the classic "Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet" and spend about 30 or 40 minutes there (later you blame the food for it). After you leave the toilet the bill might have already been paid and you say you will pay your share another day (try to divide the amount in to 3 months so you pay a smaller amount per month).

8. Make a very funny or ridiculous joke before leaving to make everyone laugh or they might never ask you to go out again because of the bill problem (if you are entertaining it at least worth it).

 Tips

* If you are father of a crying baby who usually throws food on your face, always bring an extra shirt with you and be sure to keep that in mind before making more babies.

* Bring a cloth napkin to put on yours legs, it might me helpful in case the restaurant don't give you one.

* Don't ask for French fries or onion rings if you are in a group, those are easily stolen without you noticing it.

* Give the person serving you a good tip, so next time he will remember you and treat you well (only if the service was at least ok).

* Try chatting with the waiter (or waitress). If it's a man, ask him his football team and if it's a woman try making a joke.

* If you want to give a clear message to your rice spitting friend, bring an umbrella to the restaurant and open it to protect yourself.

 Warnings

* If you made the waiter (or waitress) angry, check your food to see if nothing is moving or if something has a strange color.

* If the crying baby manages to hit you with the food, don't start a fight, because his/her father might me a karate black belt.

* Never touch unknown substances you may find, they might give you strange reactions.

How To Annoy Walmart Emplyees

How to Annoy Walmart Employees

Find yourself in Walmart with vain, or just plain-out grouchy employees? We all do at some point or another. Want to get under their skin? Here's how!

 Steps

1. Look like you need help by glancing over at an employee, and when they come over and ask you, say "Marissa told me not to talk to you!" And walk away angrily, muttering things like "No Marissa, I won't do the chicken dance. NO, YOU DO IT!", or anything very random.

2. Get a cart and put totally random stuff in it, like flip flops in the winter, pads or tampons (works especially well for guys!), or anything else totally strange, and leave it in the middle of the aisle.

3. Go into the dressing rooms, and wait for about 3 minutes. Then yell out really loud, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

4. Walk up to a totally random employee, and say, "I really have to go to the bathroom!" And dance around like you really do need to go badly. Then say,"Oh, never mind. That felt good." and walk away, skipping or humming.

5. Go up to the music sample machines, turn them up full blast, and walk away. When somebody turns it down, walk back and turn it up again. Do this for as long as you like.

6. Walk up to somebody and throw something in their cart, and stare at them for a really long time. When they say something, start yelling, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THIS IS MY CART, GET YOUR OWN!" and pile more things in their cart until it's full. Then walk away.

7. Run screaming through the aisles. When somebody stops you, yell "What are you talking about? You're a crazy person! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" Then cry and walk off, weeping into your hands, occasionally turning around to say something mean to the person, like weirdo, loser, meanie, go away and get a life, so hurtful, or anything else you can come up with.

8. Walk your dog in the store. Praise the dog if he craps on the floor.

9. Go to the toy section where the musical kids toys are. Turn one on, and when it stops playing music, scream,"Why did you stop singing!? DON'T STOP SINGING!" Then burst into tears, and run away.

 Warnings

* Use some common sense. Things like being very disruptive can get you in trouble